Sunday, June 26, 2016
The shadow of the leafy tree against the yellow house animate in the wind like this mediterranean dream: the construction primitive; the sun an obnoxious kind of hot; the people and the conversation the passionate and trivial kind, charming in the way a Spanish island makes you ignore your scruples and partake.
When the boy died the crowd didn't help him. You were with the kid, then you were against the kid. What did he do to deserve it. Maybe he did nothing. Maybe the crowd doesn't know what to do. What's the story. Your brain solved problems like these while the coffee cooled. Petty, human, telling. You looked at the waitress, shook your head. What would she think if you ordered the wine. Ever concerned, conscientious waitress. She poured a new coffee, you took a walk around the block, ordered a wine.
You looked for evidence of a reaction the next day. Who looked like they were still thinking about it, what did they think. They said nothing. They looked at your curious face, back at the soccer game. Fucking yankee gringo.
You began to notice men who didn't smile, who got their asses kissed. Who were concerned with matters of coercion, or otherwise kept secrets. The coffee tasted a little bitter, the wine a little tart. The girls were less sexy and mysterious. When the waitress looked at you, she looked for forgiveness for what she was in your eyes. It gave you the confidence to fuck her, finally. That you should probably leave was something she wouldn't admit to you, because, like your desire to be in on the secrets of this town, it just wasn't cool.
To anybody reading this who ever moved to a far away place because you thought you could engineer a better persona, everybody knows, and it's a bit pathetic. The idea that you could fool people is where the unawareness starts. Things you weren't aware of: what the town thought of you, who controlled the waitress, their plans for you. I shouldn't say that it's total unawareness. You did have a few sleepless nights before you wound up with a gun in your mouth. Some part of you knew, and you should have listened to it, obviously. But you didn't. You got out of bed and put on that stupid shirt, greeted people with that stupid smile, practiced the new you.
The waitress the kind of woman who goes to psychics and waives away her inability to keep her legs closed as life.