Sunday, September 7, 2014

There's a model who used to be a refugee. One day she was a fucking refugee, and the next day she was doing what models. I wonder what she would say if I asked her what it's like. I'd like her to say, well I just do things, you know. They ask me to do this or that, they pay me. That's what I know. There's no accounting for it. I don't know why I'm here and not there.

People wonder about me. When they meet me, they think, how. How did he do it. I know it, I know the look. They don't think I know. I want to tell them, you do things to get things. There's no accounting for it. I don't know why I'm here and not there. You don't either. You ask why I'm here, you don't ask why you're here. Don't ask. It doesn't matter. What would you do with the answer if I gave it to you. What would happen, if you figured it out. You do things to get things, that's what you do. There's no accounting.

When we first met she was nervous. I moved her into the house, the big house. Her little frame moving around in her little dresses. When the maid would walk down the hall at the same time as her, she wouldn't know what to do. She'd get out of the maid's way, she'd hug the wall.
 I liked to think of filthy things to say to her. Things that'd make her toes curl, make her look at me in that way. That's what I liked to do.
 Sometimes I'd find her staring at me. When you're laying in bed falling asleep, and you catch her staring at you, that's when you know. She would be laying there staring, and I'd turn to her, I'd ask her if she was mine. Then I'd ask her to prove it. Her lying there, skinny and dumb. Not dumb, just young, good. Honest. I could feel her will, it was very small back then. Like her hands. Small and feminine. Look, I'd say to her, I like you. You know that, you know that I like you, right? You're a great girl. Great Girl. But there's one thing I need you to do. I need you to promise that this time will be the best. Like I said, I like you and all, but you know. I've got to get off, that's all. You should be able to do it. What else is there for you to do. What else you got to think about. This is your life now, you have no other worry on the planet. And I was right, what else was there. I don't know how it changed. It was the kid. The kid gave her the idea, when she was still pregnant. I never wanted to have the damn kid. How could I be so weak.